Back at it again with another monthly update.
Mar – June
PW: 171.9 (April)
PW: 172.5 (May)
CW: 173.6 / 79.3kg
The last two months have been so hectic that I haven’t really had much time to plan my meals or even go the gym. All my time has been devoted to completing errands, dancing and eventually exam revision so no doubt I will struggle once I return (omg I miss it so bad).
Slightly off topic, but I had a bit of frustrating self-loathing moment over the last few weeks when I realised that I was miles away from my weight loss goal then I began to read this book I bought around a year ago called ‘The Goddess Revolution’ from actress-turned-author Mel Wells. The book is a self-love promoting body positivity and prominently addresses the negative attitudes of diet culture, women and the relationship with food. I highly recommend reading this book if you have ever struggled with weight loss or body confidence for a significant period – I’m not even halfway through but it’s such an eye-opener for me.
Reflecting on the last few weeks I noticed that I have quite a negative relationship with food. I have not been eating in correlation to my hunger levels at a given time but to suppress situations or events that may bring stress or anxiety e.g. exams.
So for instance, my exam season lasted about 8 weeks. I usually eat 3 meals a day (rarely snack in-between) and exercise for just over an hour (excluding dance and occasional walks) 5x a week. During exam season by no exaggeration necessary, I was eating by the hour and exercise was a return trip to Aldi or Tesco which is about a 5-10 minute walk so the lifestyle contrast definitely contributed to my weight gain. Dealing with body confidence has always been a very big and hidden issue I have been dealing with for a very long time. Every other day, I would find myself nitpicking at my stretch marks and tugging on my chubby thighs and stomach comparing myself to the fitness models on Instagram and finding new 12-week ‘bikini body’ diet/nutrition schemes to follow and fail after 4 weeks.
Now I’ve decided to go back to the drawing board, evaluate my journey so far and start again but differently this time round. Do I want to lose weight? Yes, but I want to do it naturally without starving myself or punishing myself because the scales don’t meet my ambitions after a certain period of time. I want to be able to feel comfortable in my own skin and body and be able to wear clothes shamelessly like female bloggers Gabi Fresh, Grace F Victory and MakeupShayla who I absolutely admire. Recently, I posted about fitting into my first swimsuit in nearly a decade after giving up swimming altogether thanking them for giving me the courage to change my mindset and feel free to wear what I want without the fear of others (Grace liked too!).
So with that being said, I don’t want to carry on doing monthly/seasonal updates as I have found it draining comparing my weight and noticing that I have increased in size or not lost enough to keep me satisfied so this will be the last one. I’m going to do things a bit differently and craft a fun challenge that will allow me to find the fun in living a healthy lifestyle and encourage self-love and care so I don’t feel so miserable anymore.